83RD OSCAR AWESOMENESS! (YAWN)

Wow, you know there's nothing much out there when yet
another Toy Story toon starts looking like Citizen Kane.

OR
THE BOXING, BALLET AND BRIT BOREFEST

By Ed "Golden Gulch" Gauthier
Reporter To The Tarnished Stars

Well, yesterday's Oscar results proved to be very dull and predictable, notably the way Col Filth and Nat Portable were shoved down our throats from day one.

And guess who won? Yep, Col Filth and Nat Portable - whatta shock. I'm sure that seeing all those full page color ads in the papers for so many weeks was really fun for all their competitors.

Plus everyone knows that a Best Actor award should never go to someone in a remake, so that knocked out Jeff Bridges of True Grit. (Besides, they'd already just given him one last year for going the Robert Duvall Tender Mercies route as a country singer, which bumped him even further out of the loop.)

This year's flatulent festivities were hosted by two people, which it takes to fill the shoes of past mega-talented solo hosts like Billy Crystal or Chris Rock. Who was it, now... oh, ya - that guy (Franco) who was the Green Goblin's kid in the Spiderman trilogy, and that girl (Hathaway) who was in those Princess whatever movies.

Anyway, here's the official list of the super big popular winners
(which we'll all be sure to forget by next year), in no particular order:
Best Actor: Colin Firth for The King's Speech. (What next? The Queen's Twitch?)

Best Actress: Natalie Portman for The Black Swan. (The Red Shoes it ain't.)

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale for The Fighter. (Now maybe he'll stop yelling at poor little soundmen.)

Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo for The Fighter. (She seemed really surprised.)

Best Director: Tom Hooper for The King's Speech. (Not to be confused with Tobe Hooper.)

Best Picture: The King's Speech. (Duh!)

Best Documentary: Inside Job, by Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs.

Best Animated Feature Film: Toy Story 3.

Update: Academy president Tom Sherak told The Hollywood Reporter, "You can say we failed." The Oscar telecast saw a 9% decline in audience. Sherak, along with Oscar producers Bruce Cohen and Don Mischer, makes the decision on who will helm the ceremony.

An Academy member said the choice of hosts is a convoluted affair, left completely to the producers and president. There is no discussion with the board of governors. Even Sherak admitted that Franco and Hathaway didn't translate as well to the small screen as he had hoped. He noted that "the chemistry seemed to be off" and that the comedic know-how, from Franco in particular, was simply not there.

Probably because the hosts can do romantic comedies, but neither of them are comedians. Let's see, what makes a great Oscar host? People like Bob Hope, Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, Chris Rock, David Letterman, and Steve Martin - all real comedians. Duh!

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